This is a tough night for me. I've realized that I can't do some things the way I wanted to...not yet, anyway. I have to learn how to be patient with myself. I've also got to learn how to deal with these reminders in a more healthy way. I'm getting a little personal here, but isn't that what blogging is all about? Giving you a glimpse into the way my brain works. It's a scary thought, really.
I've recently been visited by mother nature. She brought a little gift and it sucks BIG TIME! I've talked to another guy about it. His experience is very similar to my own. He would get severely depressed every time he was on his period. It was just another reminder that he was stuck in the wrong body. That's exactly how I feel. These are the things that make it the hardest for me. It isn't necessarily the people, although that's hard, too. It's the physical reminders that I'm not where I want to be just yet. That it will take time. While I'm finally okay with admitting who I am and happy to begin living my life for me, it is hard with those limitations. I also tried to switch to the tenor part in my church choir. It was okay the first night. I didn't feel very much pain at all. I figured it had just been a long time since I'd been in my lower register. As the week progressed, though, and I practiced more and more, I realized that I was in pain after every song. That was hard to admit. I want so badly to be able to sing with the men. But I still have a female voice. God has blessed me with the gift of song, and I am grateful. It just sucks that I can't sing where I feel like I need to be. It sucks that I have to wait even longer to be able to do it. I've waited for five long years to be able to say who I am. Now I have to wait for at least a few more months before I can begin to make some of those changes in my life.
This isn't going to be an easy journey. I've known that from the very beginning. But I had no idea that it would be this hard to transition in the every day things. My name and the pronouns are something that will just take time for everyone to adjust to and I'm not really worried about that at all. But the fact that people still expect me to act, look, dress, behave in a certain way simply because I am still biologically a female...that frustrates me to no end! I think that's why it hurts so badly when I find I can't do things to help the transition along, such as sing with the men in the church choir. These things seem insignificant to most people. To me, they are huge. Maybe I am just making mountains out of mole hills, but it seems like a pretty big deal to me.
I have to learn to be okay with where I am right now. Right now, I still have to deal with nature's gift to women. I still have to sing soprano in the church choir. I still have to mark "female" on all important paperwork. I still have to sign my name "Gretchen Reiswig". That sucks. That's not who I am. That's never been who I was. And still, until my name change becomes legal, that's who I have to claim...at least on the important stuff. When I pull out my license to prove my age, I still have to deal with some very confused looks from clerks. I still have to explain my situation to people who are unaware. These are things that I have to learn to deal with in a healthy way. These are my struggles. Yes, my family is important to me. It would mean the world to me if I had their full support. Yes, my relationships with my friends mean everything to me and I am grateful for the support network I have found. Yes, I know my God still loves me just the way I am. But I have to learn to be okay with the fact that my body still doesn't match my brain or my heart. I have to learn to focus on the positive things in my life rather than the negative reminders that only make me depressed or angry. That's way easier said than done. I know I'm not alone in these feelings. I'm sure that everyone who has ever transitioned has fought with these very situations. I know that people who haven't transitioned have also dealt with similar feelings. I have to learn to remember that I am not alone in this life. On these nights when I feel all alone and depressed, I have to reach out. I have to call the ones I know will be there. I have to get off my butt and do something productive. I have to continue to live life. I can't stop living just because of these reminders.
Whenever I anticipate something great that is going to happen, like the end of the school year (Oh please dear God let it get here soon), I find myself less able to enjoy the intervening weeks or months. That's no way to spend a life. Instead- and please take this with a grain of salt- think of this time as significant for its own sake. This is the time of waiting and becoming. Each day for you has brought something new, something that you learned about yourself, your body, your identity. These days are seminal and important. The days of menstrual cycles and singing soprano are numbered and I know you are doing the best you can. Let that be enough for today. <3 You!
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